Friday, October 4, 2013

Copeland trophy

Well, my predictions for Top 2 were correct, so go me!
I said Steele was 6th oops, he came 3rd. And Trav and Harry O came 4th and 5th respectively.

I'm glad Marley got in the Top 10, and so did Caff, which is awesome b/c they both had a pretty good year.

Obviously, I got the Best Finals Player and Best First Year awards correct: Swanny and JT
And the VFL one was easy, obvs Kyle Martin

Except the Clubman award was Pendles, awww.
And Desire Indicators (which is like for a selfless player voted by the players) went to Blairy (WHY DID I SAY DAISY, OH MY GOD WHAT WAS I THINKING???)
ily daisy
don't leave us
it's not too late
carlton stink
come back
we miss you
swanny needs a friend
silly daisy

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

copeland trophy predictions

I'm bored, let's see how accurate I am to who wins the awards at Collingwood's Best and Fairest Night.

1st: Scott Pendlebury
2nd: Dane Swan
3rd: Travis Cloke
4th: Nathan J Brown
5th: Heath Shaw

6th: Steele Sidebottom
7th: Jarryd Blair
8th: Ben Reid
9th: Harry O'Brien
10th: Nick Maxwell

Best Finals Player: Swanny (or tied with Marley, idek we only played one so does this award still count)

Best First Year Player: Josh Thomas (if he's eligible, idek it's actually his 4th year)
Best First Year Player (if Josh isn't eligible): Sam Dwyer

Best VFL player: Kyle Martin

Gordon Coventry award (leading goalkicker): Travis Cloke, duh

Best clubman: idek probably Nick Maxwell

Desire Indicators: no idea what this means hahaha I'm saying Daisy :P

Also yeah, idek Dayne Beams and Luke Ball might get in the top 10 but idek they missed a lot of games so yeah.
And I thought about putting Josh Thomas or Sam Dwyer in the top 10 (it COULD happen, don't DENY it) but I forgot about Heath Shaw oops, he's up there fo' shizzle

Tuesday, October 1, 2013


Players I want to come to Collingwood:

  • Nick Dal Santo
  • Taylor Adams
  • Sam Reid
And I want them all for nothing.

Players I don't want at Collingwood:

  • Jesse White
  • Q-Stick (okay OKAY whatever)

Saturday, September 14, 2013

ew off seasons

Yeah, off-seasons suck and everything, so after losing to Port and the Week From Hell, here's some events to look forward to:

  • me and Daisy's wedding
  • the All-Australian awards where Pendlebury and Swanny are rovers/centre positions and Trav full/half forwards roles
  • Daisy signing his ten-year contract for Collingwood so we never ever have to deal with this awful "will he or won't he" again (except when the ten year ends and he signs another one)
  • Pendles winning his first Brownlow
  • Trade Week, holding our collective breaths for 3 weeks hoping that no Collingwood players are traded
  • Trade Week, hoping we get some superstars 
  • Nat Fyfe adorably accepting his Norm Smith medal
  • Nat Fyfe also adorably accepting his premiership medal
  • me crying at the above two events
  • The Draft where we add to our epic talent
  • The boys going to Utah/Arizona/etc and seeing their abs and other gorgeous body parts
  • Seeing photos of the boys in Utah/Arizona/etc especially Tooves and Daisy and Faz getting stronger and less injured 
  • Copeland Trophy, when Faz invites me along as his wifey
  • Pendles and Swanny and Trav winning the Copeland in a three way tie
  • Josh Thomas getting in the Top 5 in the Copeland (shoosh, it MIGHT happen)
  • Josh Thomas getting Best First Year Player (is he even eligible, i don't even know)
  • Alex Fasolo out-doing his last year's Grand Final Footy Show Revue performance 
  • Caolan Mooney winning the Half Time Sprint at the GF
  • Bucks realising he made a mistake and putting Didak and Jolly back on our list
  • Daisy dumping his new girlfriend and standing outside my window with a boombox
  • Swanny inviting me to Amsterdam
  • the Rookie Draft where we get more Kyle Martins and Adam Oxleys and make our VFL team win more games
and yeah
good times

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

So, we lost in the last game of the season.
But hey, unlike North, at least we have finals.
Too bad we couldn't get that coleman medal for Trav. Sigh.
Also yeah, if Hawks beat Sydney, and Geelong beat Freo, then our first three weeks of finals are against teams we couldn't beat earlier this year. But that's okay, history is useless, we'll beat 'em in the very very near future.

Hey, Bucks, time for a list:

  • 1 x rule book for the umpires b/c really, the stuff they pulled out of the hat on Sunday was like um okay then, whatever.
  • 1 x Clinton Young 
  • 1 x Luke Ball (stupid North running free after the centre bounce like how on earth do we stop that...)
  • 1 x prayer circle that Nathan J Brown is ready to give 110% next week
  • 1 x Mitch Brown, just in case
  • 3 x Collingwood players in the 2013 All Australian team
  • 7 x chocolate cakes for Alex Fasolo
  • 1 x nice holiday to Fiji for Daisy and his real girlfriend (me)
  • 1 x wedding for me and Daisy
  • 1 x Brownlow medal for Scott Pendlebury
  • 1 x car for Jamie Elliott's Mark/s of the Year (get stuffed, Matty Wade's cousin)
  • 1 x car for Didak or Beamsy to win Goal of the Year
  • 1 x Rising Star medal for Marley
  • 10 x award for our Rising Star who is much better than Jaegar O'bloodymeara but just happens to be 22 this year like ugh (ily Josh)
  • 1 x letter in an envelope filled to the brim of anthrax sent to Kochie's house
  • 1 x ban for any player in the finals who took peptides last year
  • 1 x Harry O
  • 2 x Didak


In other news, yes Bucks it's easy, just follow the list.
Also, in: Luke Ball, Harry O, Jamie/Sinclair, maybe Jolly & Young
out: Q-stick, BenKen (sorry kiddo, come back next year), ummm idek maybe Josh or Seedsy, but that's only if Young and Jamie are 110% fit b/c finals experience > no finals experience? idk idk okay maybe Bucks' job is harder than I thought. Sigh.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

ugh Hawks, what a mean team. :(
As if we even need a list, it should just be-
Out: Q-Stick
In: Traffic Cone.

No list today, what if I do a Buckley's to do list instead? I mean, I didn't sneak into his house for nothing.
*secretly copies list from another time and posts it here*
Delivery to the forwards
That's it.
And maybe kicking for goal but that's good enough, like Trav getting 5.0 against Essendon and missing easy set shots against other teams.

Anyway, here goes: (Bucks' To Do List)

  • Buy the book called "how to play footyball" for Q-Stick
  • Ring up AFL HQ and demand that Brodie Grundy gets a Rising Star nom
  • Buy Alex Fasolo an ice-cream 
  • Clone Scott Pendlebury
  • Take the super defender Nathan J Brown out for coffee 
  • Book in appointment at Madd Hair
  • Search up pictures of George Clooney
  • Hire a forwards coach
  • Sweet talk Dawes to come back
  • If Dawes won't come, kidnap Jack Watts instead
  • Bring a large sack to the game next Friday to kidnap Sharrod
  • Practise carrying inanimate objects in the sack during the week so that you won't mess up Sharrod's hair on Friday
  • Kidnap Mitch Brown too, while you're at it
  • Tell Faz that there's a nice girl named Laura who likes him
  • Tell Faz not to follow Lindsay Lohan on twitter and to choose better people to follow such as @zoidberg_cool
  • Ring up Clarko and demand that his players be punished for the way they treated Travis Cloke
  • Burn all the tapes at the MRP office (except the one with Q-Stick hitting Mitchell, just pretend you didn't see when you scoured the office)
  • Pray to every god you can think of that Sinclair, Pendles and Daisy's injuries are fine
  • Send Daisy a 'get well soon' card and flowers
  • Deliver a letter coated in anthrax to John Worsfold
  • Sign the petition to throw all Selwoods off a cliff
And yeah.
Busy week.
Chin up, Bucks, we'll smash those Eagles.
And GWS or whoever will smash those Tigers, oh man 5th place is ours. :D

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Yeah yeah whatever, sports sucks, blah blah blah

And a much needed list for Buckley and co:
  • 18 x players on the field (dunno, it might help, all I saw on Saturday night was red red red yellow bald head more red and Marley and then Beamsy Jamie Marley more red then Marley again and Pendles Josh Thomas)
  • 22 x Marley Williams
  • 1 x Rising Star nomination for Marley Williams
  • 1 x Rising Star medal for Marley Williams
  • 1 x car for Jamie Elliott (basically, he's got Mark of the Year in the bag.)
  • 82642 x books titled "how to kick goals for dummies"
  • 1 x essay from each player on how to kick a goal delivered to Bucks' office by Wednesday morning
  • 1 x Jackson Paine 
  • 1 x Kyle Martin (I think he's learnt that he's not the star of his local footy club anymore with all the flair b/c good, put him back in)
  • 3 x Josh Thomas
  • 284 x spoons of ice-creams for Alex Fasolo
  • 1 x Ben Kennedy
  • 1 x Jarryd Blair
  • 1 x Nathan J Brown
  • 1 x Mitch Brown
  • 4 x large sacks of money dropped on Tom Scully's head
  • 1 x Sharrod Wellingham
  • 1 x coleman medal for Travis Cloke
  • 1 x rule book for the umpires (they weren't even bad on Saturday we can't even blame the umpires, except the push-in-the-back on Keeffe sigh)
  • 1 x Daisy Thomas
  • 1 x date for me & Daisy
  • 1 x wedding for me & Daisy
  • 1 x honeymoon in a nice warm place for me & Daisy 

Here's a list for Australia in the cricket:

  • Dave Warner for the sole reason of punching that bloody Root kid
That's all.

Teehee, Ablett themes :P

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Ewww, I hate losing. Especially when we played crap ugh ugh what the hell happened, like we were so great against Geelong, really really great, best game all year. WHY CAN'T WE FOUR QUARTER EFFORT or at least one quarter effort

What's the time?
Time for another list, express posted to Nathan Buckley.

  • 15 x Dayne Beams
  • 9264 x Travis Cloke (you know, one for every defender that was surrounding poor Trav)
  • 1 x AFL rules book for every umpire (we can't even blame the umpires for most of the game but it wouldn't hurt for them to refresh the rules)
  • 1 x Jackson Paine (lol Q-stick)
  • 1 x Clinton Young
  • 1 x Andy Krakouer
  • 1 x Ben Johnson
  • 1 x Tyson Goldsack
  • 1 x punch to Marc Murphy's jaw
  • 22 x peptides for each of our players
  • 8 x Josh Thomas
  • 1 x rising star nomination for Josh Thomas (aw, screw age limits, the kid isn't even 22 yet)
  • 3 x Ben Kennedy
  • 1 x green vest for someone other than Ben Kennedy
  • 1 x letter that squirts poison when you open it for Mick Malthouse
  • 1 x rating of 1 and a half stars for that viewing of Man of Steel(e) - the stars come with a big "you tried" in the middle
  • 1 x book titled "How to do Forward Structure for Dummies" for the forwards coach (if there is one)
  • 34 x books titled "How to utilise two tall forwards and a handful of crumbers in an effective way that will get goals for Dummies" 
  • 475 x books titled "Handballing to each other through the midfield and shepherding whoever has the ball like ya feel me"
  • 1 x Coleman Medal for Travis Cloke (I just really want him to win it, okay, just omg)
  • 43 x cakes for Alex Fasolo (you know, a thanks for RT'ing my tweet, I love you Faz)
  • 1 x Timmy Broomhead (I mean, the kid has been described as a Scott Pendlebury, maybe he can help our midfield out)
  • 1 x Chris Dawes
  • 1 x Jye Bolton
  • 1 x handmade large red paper-heart given to Alex Fasolo
  • 7 x vicious lions placed in Chris Judd's bedroom
  • 1 x Ben Reid

I like the comic omfg, like the only game Q-Stick has actually played half-decent was against Carlton, when he had to hold up the ruck on his own.
Except Q-Stick has been a good second ruckman this year, like way better than what Dawes was. But Dawes is a way better forward.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Just.... unnghhhhh

Well, I guess it's time for another list. Ugh. (just a warning: I don't mean to insult our players, okay, I'm sorry, but they need to lift. Just a little bit.)
(Also, a few players played well, Travis and Harry O, and a few players tried really hard, definitely Krak, maybe Seedsy, Jamie was in there a bit, Pendles I guess, so idk we weren't all bad but as a team, we were pretty bad)

  • 1 x Alan Didak
  • 1 x Ben Johnson
  • 1 x education for that 14 year old girl
  • 482 x donkeys for Travis Cloke
  • 77 x book titled "How to Precise Kick to Teammate for Dummies" for every Collingwood player (keep the leftovers, Swanny tends to lose things... LIKE THE BALL, JFC)
  • 21 x book titled "If half the Swans are on Travis, surely there's someone else to kick it to" for every Collingwood player last night except Travis
  • 1 x book titled "learn to goddamn make a lead and mark and kick goals and FOR GOD'S SAKE YOU SPUD" for the Q-stick
  • 22 x book titled "learn to goddamn lead out and give a player something to kick to" for every Collingwood player (except maybe Travis, seeing as he has every man and his dog surrounding him)
  • 3 x quick-heal-fast treatments for Beamsy, Daisy and Faz
  • 1 x quick-ACL-healer for Toovey
  • 1 x Ben Sinclair
  • 20 x shots of caffeine for Collingwood players (Travis and Harry O can be excused though)
  • 20 x peptides for Collingwood players (again, Trav and Harry excused)
  • 1 x chocolate cake for the ever-improving Jordan Russell
  • 2 x 'gold star' badges for Wittsy and Travis, for helping us get off to a good start
  • 2 x 'bronze-or-maybe-it's-tin stars' for Jamie and Sammy Dwyer, for giving me something to cheer about in the 4th quarter
  • 1 x Josh Thomas
  • 5 x laxatives slipped into Michael Voss' coffee
  • 22 x extra padding for each Collingwood player next week, just in case Jonathan Brown runs into them and leaves a hole the size of a house in their body
  • 1 x Jackson Paine (no but Q-stick doesn't have to go, I just... maybe Wittsy could just, y'know, step aside maybe?)
  • 1 x Kyle Martin (sadhappyface) (love ya, Faz, and I'm sorry, it's for the best xoxox)
  • 1 x Adam Oxley (DAISY, I'M SORRY, FORGIVE ME also please stay at the Pies, okay good)
  • 1 x Jack Watts
  • 1 x Kris Pendlebury (people sitting near me at the VFL were discussing how we should've picked this kid up in the draft and how ridiculous that he's 28 or something and is a quality defender/leader and also related to that Scott kid and NO ONE WANTS HIM JFC)
  • 1 x Jye Bolton
  • 1 x Mitch Brown
  • 1 x Ben Hudson (no but Jolly can have a rest against the Lions and the Dogs, okay, and anyway, Jolly can play against Melbourne, it's all fabbity fab fab)
  • 22 x fare evading fines for the Sydney players, I mean as if they had myki AS IF.
  • 1 x Heath Shaw (no why hope it's not a serious injury ugh)
  • 1 x Tyson Goldsack
  • 1 x Lachlan Keeffe (maybe in a few weeks)
  • 1 x Dayne Beams 
  • 1 x Toovey
  • 1 x petition for that Leuenberger kid to legally change his name to Leuenburger-canihavefrieswiththat
ugh I could just list every injured player, we need them WE NEED THEM ALL.

Nah, apparently Kyle Martin is a Beams, so him and Dwyer will be fab, also Oxley is a Toovey, both Ox and Martin played superb today, yay. :D

Yeah, I give up, my lists are silly, this is why I said I'd only write lists after losses so I wouldn't have to do this anymore, sigh. :/

Saturday, May 18, 2013



You guise, it was such a good match, like just wow.
No Toovey, no Daisy, no Heath Shaw, no Beams, no Tyson Goldsack, AND YET WE STILL WON
And the best part: we got off to a good start and managed to stay ahead for basically the whole match (until the umpires gave Geelong all the free kicks but luckily that didn't faze us).


And I know all you avid readers (or lack of) are patiently waiting for another silly list, well TOO BAD b/c we don't need a list. Everything is okay. We just take that intensity from last night, all that pressure and tackling and awesomeness, and do it again next Friday. Maybe with Didak and Benny J, but yeah. Oh and Heath Shaw. Maybe get rid of Wittsy idk idk he did a super good tackle though, like yeah, it was such a team effort.

The kid has been so damn good for us, not just last night, but all the other games, and like how was he hiding down at Port Melbourne all these years. But like he's 26 and not one club wanted him for all those years? Huh.

Oh and Jamie Elliott is just amazing, the way he played last night, not only kicking 3 goals but assisting goals too.
Also Krakouer omg, like just so great.
Krak, Caff, Lukey Ball... three out of four players that had ACLs last year were playing and did a pretty damn good job.
Marley Williams, back from a shoulder reconstruction, was amazing too.

Just a superb effort.

So proud of the boys.
Also, if Jolly gets suspended for THAT, then it's ridiculous, I mean yes it may have been high, but Stokes ran into Jolly AND DIDN'T EVEN GET HURT. AT ALL.
Oh well.
It'll only be a week, at most.
Our new number 25 ruckman will be okay to play.
Also, we've got Wittsy (who played alright) and Corey Gault is improving each week in the VFL, and Grundy's due to make his VFL debut next week or the week after (also Keeffe!), so ruck is the last of our worries.

Awesome. :D

Saturday, May 11, 2013

New rule: only make lists (even Buckley's to-do list or anything) after a loss.
This is better b/c we don't need lists after a win at all, b/c a win is a win.
And wins are good, we like winning, and we're happy after a win, so why need cheering up with a silly list?
The silly lists originated for cheering us up after a loss.
So, here goes.

  • 1 x petition to change the year to an even year (just for the game next Saturday, we can beat the Cats in even years)
  • 1 x Luke Ball
  • 1 x Alan Didak
  • 8 x large chocolate cakes with chocolate icing for the VFL Match Review Panel to reverse Faz' suspension
  • 3 x large chocolate cakes with chocolate icing for Alex Fasolo
  • 88 x donkeys for Travis Cloke
  • 1 x petition for all games to be three quarters max.
  • 2,827,424 x banana peels scattered along the Princes Freeway on Friday/Saturday, all the way from Geelong to the MCG 
  • 10 x road blocks along Princes Freeway, just in case
  • 1 x Ben Johnson
  • 1 x Jye Bolton
  • 1 x Sharrod Wellingham
  • 1 x Ben Sinclair (NEED. FOR. SPEED.) (idk was that our problem, speed wasn't even our problem? Just need fresher legs, I guess)
  • 1 x book titled "How to Kick Goals for Dummies" for Travis Cloke (he can share it around though)
  • 21 x book titled "There Are More Players Who Can Mark And Kick Goals Than Me So Kick It To Them Or So Help Me: an autobiography by Travis Cloke" for everyone except Travis Cloke (it's basically just pictures based on Travis' literate abilities but it has a better storyline than Twilight and comes with a free pack of crayons)
  • 1 x book titled "How to be a Somewhat Decent Ruck and Forward and Kick Sweet Goals from 50-metres on the Boundary: autobiography by Leigh Brown" for Quinten Lynch
  • 1 x Jarrod Witts (I'd give him Leigh Brown's autobiography as well, but he already has a several copies, and hugs them in bed each night)
  • 1 x Dayne Beams
  • 4 x gold stars for Sammy Dwyer, Josh Thomas, Sidebottom, and Seedsman.
  • 1 x quick-fix-hamstrings for Marty Clarke
  • 2 x hungry vicious lions released into Jimmy Bartel's bedroom
  • 1 x turducken for Joel Selwood, except instead of the turducken, it's just a duck with a ticking timebomb inside
  • 1 x punch in the face for Chris Scott (wipe that smirk off his stupid face)
  • 1 x brain for Heath Shaw b/c fuck you that's why
  • 1 x camera for Harry O
  • 1 x AFL rules book for the umpires, just in case
  • 1 x law to make ducking your head for a free kick illegal
  • 1 x anti-wrinkle cream for Podsiadly
  • 1 x Mitch Brown
  • 1 x Lachlan Keeffe
  • 1 x petition for Tom Hawkins to officially change his name to Tom Dorkins (I want to spell it "dawkins" but I'm sure there's decent people with that last name and there's nothing worse than having the same name as a twat)
And yeah.
We have nothing to worry about, you guise.
Everything is okay.
Go Pies!

P.S. for obvious reasons, this is the last list ever until Hell freezes over. Or until Collingwood loses again, whichever comes first.
(The answer is obvious)
(You may as well start praying the temperature drops in Satan's bedroom)
(And then we'll use the sharp icicles to stab blue-and-white-striped pussycats)

Sunday, May 5, 2013


Of course we're great.

Now, excuse me while I sneak into Bucks' house, say hi to Jett and Ayce, steal a piece of last night's lasagna from their fridge, and take a photo of Bucks' to-do list hanging on the fridge (sandwiched between Jett's report card with a big A+ on it and a photo of Bucks holding a brownlow medal)

Here's what it says:

  • Make sure plane seat to Perth is next to Alex Fasolo
  • Buy a camera for Harry O (weekly steele photos, yay)
  • Tell Faz he needs to take more instagram photos or he can't get back on the team
  • Take Faz out for lunch
  • Buy two tickets for Legally Blonde The Musical
  • Work up the courage to ask Faz to come with
  • Pray 3 times a day that Jack Frost's knee is okay
  • Book hair appointment at Madd Hair
  • Search up google images of Ryan Gosling
  • Realise that Ryan Gosling is too handsome
  • Spend all week trying to get photos of Daisy's hair from different angles
  • Realise that Daisy is more handsome than Ryan Gosling
  • Retrieve photo of Ryan Gosling from the trash
  • Send a postcard with a picture of the 2010 premiers on it and title it "wish you were here (but you aren't!)" to Ross Lyon
  • Cover the aforementioned postcard in anthrax
  • Teach the players how to kick goals
  • Bake a cake for Alex Fasolo
  • Let Faz lick the spoon
  • Send the spoon to Mick Malthouse's mansion
  • Laugh because the spoon was wooden
  • Casually ring Sharrod to see how he's going
  • Bring a large sack to Perth
  • Try to remember how big Sharrod was and hope that the aforementioned large sack is big enough
  • Maybe get a bigger sack so Mitch Brown will fit in there too
  • Attempt to find the largest sack possible so Nathan Fyfe will also fit
  • Organise a lightspeed-recovery program for Fyfe for when he is brought back to Melbourne
  • Get all the injured Pies on the same lightspeed-recovery program
Phew, it must be a busy week for Bucks.
I think the list was longer, but you know these smart phone cameras, they can't capture everything. 

Yeah, bring it on, Freo, way to not go
Heave the hell out of here, ho(e)

Friday, April 26, 2013


Well, we know one thing: the previous list didn't work so that sucks.


Time for another list (which will be sent to Nathan Buckley by a particularly fast owl, probably named Hedwig):

105 x rule books for all AFL umpires to share (with "contact sport" written in big letters on every page so that they don't give away free kicks for the barest of nudges, I mean seriously)
1 x Alan Didak
1 x Benny J
22 x peptides for each player
1 x Ben Kennedy (LET ALL THE BENS PLAY)
1 x easy-knee-treatment for Toovey (sold at your local 7/11 or supermarket)
10 x meatballs for Alex Fasolo
1 x hug for Alex Fasolo (given to him by yours truly b/c I've always wanted to hug little Faz)
1 x Luke Ball
16 x Steele Sidebottom
4 x green vests for Sinclair, Fasolo and Seedsman (b/c these three might play just a touch better after taking off a green vest, yeah? We know Faz can, at any rate)
1 x punnet of berries for Stephen Milne* (I found them on a wild bush somewhere, idk)
1 x Cam Wood, for Travis Cloke to cuddle at night
1 x Chris Dawes (look, I know, but it doesn't work with one full-forward and one full-forward-slash-ruckman WE LEARNT THAT LAST YEAR, YES OKAY GOSH)
63 x painkillers for Dayne Beams (I just want him back *sniff*)
22 x schoolgirls (that'll keep each St Kilda player occupied on Friday, right?)
1 x SLR camera for Harry O (b/c Weekly Steele Photos are my life okay)
50 x 'How To Kick Goals for Dummies' for each Collingwood player (there may be spares idk)
1 x 1000-word essay on 'How To Kick A Goal' from each player given to Bucks first thing Monday morning
1 x Jye Bolton
1 x Kris Pendlebury (some good defenders would be sweet right now)

*he looks like a berry person, okay. I don't know what a berry person looks like (if there is such a thing), but Milne is it.

Sunday, April 21, 2013


Mad skillz.

Maybe I should write another list, and send it by express post so it reaches Bucks' house in 5 days (mail is slow these days, okay, gotta get in early)

Here we go:

  • 4 x donkeys for Travis Cloke (four for you Travis, you go Travis)
  • 1 x painkillers for Nathan J Brown
  • 1 x Mitch Brown, just in case Nathan seriously can't get up in time
  • 1 x syringe found at the beach for James Hird (trust me, he might have a fetish for injecting himself, he won't be able to resist)
  • 1 x box of tissues for Goddard (St Kilda players seem prone to crying, I ain't taking any chances)
  • 1 x Alan Didak 
  • 7 x scoops of ice-cream for Alex Fasolo
  • 1 x plane ticket to New Zealand on Thursday for Goddard (IF HE REALLY LOVES THEM, WHY ISN'T HE PLAYING WITH THEM, JESUS CHRIST)
  • 1 x petition for Zaharakis to legally change his name to "Ruffo" so there's no confusion
  • 1 x anti-wrinkle cream for Dustin Fletcher 
  • 10 x Travis Cloke
  • 10 x Dane Swan
  • 1 x petition for "Press Red For Ed" to be an option for people watching Channel 7 
  • 1 x Benny J 
Okay, that's it.
*folds up list*
*sticks it in an envelope with Bucks' address on it*
*licks envelope*
*place into postbox*

And now we wait.
Go Pies!

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Well, we lost to Hawthorn.
So, you know what that means.
It's time for another list.

So, Nathan Buckley, your team did well for a bit but I've got some stuff for you to get:

  • 1 x quick-fix recovery for Nick Maxwell (if not available then 1300-JESUS should do it)
  • 10 x Alex Fasolo
  • 2 x Ben Reid, just in case one goes down
  • 1 x Jye Bolton
  • 59 x donkeys for Travis Cloke
  • 8 x meatballs for Alex Fasolo (you deserve them, kiddo)
  • 1 x boyfriend arm pillow for Daisy to sleep with (if not available, I'd like to offer my services)
  • 1 x fix-ribs-quick for Darren Jolly 
  • 1 x petition for all Hawks players to wear bells so you know if they are coming up behind you
  • 1 x spray for Richmond players, delivered by Dave Hughes 
  • 1 x laxatives for Trent Cotchin's pre-game tea*
  • 22 x peptides to inject before the game
  • 1 x Josh Thomas (no, not you Comedian Josh, sit down)
  • 1 x sailing trip around the Whitsundays in September for Mick Malthouse
  • 1 x puppy for Alex Fasolo
  • 1 x marriage contract for me and Alex Fasolo to sign
  • 1 x weed for Buddy Franklin to snort
  • 1 x rules book for all AFL umpires
  • 1 x brain for Heath Shaw (I'm sorry, but you can't just grab someone's jumper and shove them to the ground, jaysus)
  • 1 x Will Minson to help me with my Maths assignment (did ya know Minson tutored a teammate in maths, the kid was able to play a solid 5 quarters)

And yeah.
We are going to beat those Tigers and send them back down to 9th.

*I just assume he's a tea person, okay. He looks like a tea person.

Sunday, April 7, 2013


We did.
Mad skillz.

It was so amazing (and also really scary) and Jamie Elliott was a star and Blairy played well, and the Q-Stick  really stepped up to be the main ruck for the whole game (get better soon, Jolly xoxoxo).

Also Sammy Dwyer was fabulous, wow.
Poor Seedsy might get dropped (b/c Daisy, Faz, etc are ready) and every time Sinclair snapped for goal, it wouldn't go anywhere near the goals, mostly just straight up in the air.
And also Ben Hudson could get a game, I mean we might be able to beat Carlton with only one ruck, but Hawthorn? idk idk, better to be safe than sorry, better to have Hudson available, so that Q-stick can help Travis in the forward line.

I just want Alex Fasolo to play.
It's been too long.
(fun* fact: the last time I went to a game Faz played in, it was against Hawks)

Also I got invited to a wedding, you guise. It's on the 4th August, at the same time that we play Essendon. SO TORN. (not really) (would never choose footy over a wedding) (are you kidding me, you actually thought I'd do that) (gosh)
I probably wouldn't have gone to the game anyway (actually, I might have, b/c it won't be that much of a blockbuster and I'd be able to get a seat).
No, but usually I don't go to games b/c I'm not a member and I have no friends, so if it's a blockbuster game, I'd have to sit by myself up really high (like with the birds and clouds and Witts' head), and every Collingwood game is a blockbuster, especially Carlton, Hawks, Geelong, Essendon, etc etc.
But this Essendon game is the non-ANZAC Day match, so it's a half-blockbuster? Like it's towards the end of the season when Essendon are worn out by their peptides and snorting weed so it's usually a bit of a thrashing. Essendon fans have headed back inside their closets by then.

But yeah, every Collingwood game is a blockbuster, b/c we have 70,000+ members and they ALL go to every game (like ALL OF THEM) and there are only 90,000 seats at the MCG, so that's like 70,000 seats reserved for them, plus the Essendon cheersquad (1000?) and then a spattering of Essendon fans here and there (10,000?), so that's like 8,000 seats left, mainly located on the very top level, really really high, mostly behind the goals.
Not good seats.
Especially being by myself.
Oh and there's the whole MCC section that isn't full (unless we play Melbourne, and even then they go to the snow that weekend) so that's another area I can't sit in.
Man, maths is tough.

I'm just trying to show that it's a lot better choosing a wedding over the footy.
The end.
Plus I get to catch the bouquet (hopefully) and then marry Alex Fasolo.

*Not a very fun fact though, we lost badly that day. Faz played alright though.

Friday, March 29, 2013


On Tuesday morning, at like 3am, I will be off to Sydney (yay 6am flights wooo~)
We're staying near Bondi, like a 10 - 15 minute walk to those hot lifeguards that will give me mouth to mouth when I drown.
Be jealous.

Also, the footy starts tomorrow!

Good times.
Except Alex Fasolo and Daisy won't be playing, bummer.
And Josh Thomas is an emergency again. Sigh.
We'll still smash 'em.

Oh and the Host came out a few days ago.
So glad I'm going to Sydney, can get away from all this Host hype, lol. (I mean, that it's just hype on twitter and tumblr so without all that, then I won't hear it)


Monday, February 18, 2013

FANFIC #8274255

"Hey, girl," Starsky greeted me, slapping me on the back like I was one of his teammates. I'm not, but that never stops him.
"Hey," I replied.
"I brought a friend... she's from the women's t---" Starsky said.
I interrupted. "Oh god, not Ian Healy's niece."
Starsky continued, "---eam, Ellyse Perry!" He looked towards a big fat tree at the other end of the park.
I looked too.
A very pretty girl stepped out from behind it, gave us a wave, and bounded over cheerfully.
"Hey, you must be Laura," the girl said, smiling at me, "Mitch has told me all about you."
I blushed. "Uh, yeah."
"I'm Ellyse," the girl said, holding out her hand to me.
I shook her hand. "Hi Ellyse."
"Cricket, anyone?" Starsky said, grinning at both of us girls.
"Nah," Ellyse said, "I just played a whole game yesterday or something. What about soccer?"
"Me and Starsky against Ellyse," I said.
"Huh," Ellyse said.
"I'm not very good, you'll easily win," I whispered to her.

Starsky produced a soccer ball from his back pocket and we played, using trees as goal posts.
After about an hour, Ellyse had kicked about 10 goals, and me and Starsky were still zero.
I was so tired.
I lay on the ground, just to get my breath back, while Ellyse and Starsky made small talk.
Then, suddenly, Ellyse screamed.
I sat up and looked around. "What?"
"I... oh god... uh," Ellyse stammered. She cowered next to Starsky and he put his arms around her.
A huge spider was in the middle of our 'soccer ground' about six metres tall and five metres tall.
"Oh my," I said, terrified.
I fumbled through my back pockets for something useful. I had a sandwich bag with money and licence, an apple pie, a puppy, a seraph blade...
I grabbed the pie.
I threw the pie and it hit the spider in the face.
The spider folded in on itself and disappeared.
Ellyse breathed a sigh of relief.
I high-fived Starsky, who was still wrapped up in a hug with Ellyse.
"Starsky, do I have to remind you about Alyssa?" I said, warningly, looking how close his mouth was getting to Ellyse's.
Starsky jumped back, and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Um..."
"No wonder Ian Healy hates you," I muttered.

Friday, February 15, 2013


Well, footy's back.
Or just the NAB Cup.

I went to the footy last night.
It was so great.
We got there at about 7:30 or something, just missing the first match (Bombers/Doggies ew) and in time to watch the Pies/Doggies.

Tom Young was playing for the Doggies omg. Didn't see him much but he will always look better in black and white. Oh well, I guess his replacement (Jordan Russell) played pretty good too.
Collingwood played alright against the Dogs, Q-stick kicked a goal and Macaffer did some great things, and Kyle Martin got the ball a few times, as did Young.
And Swanny kicked a marvellous goal from 50 metres, aw yeah

And then it was time for Essendon. We were coming off a good win over the Dogs, but Essendon also thrashed the Dogs AND had a 40-minute break so they had fresher legs than us.
So, basically we kicked one 9-pointer in the first half (thanks Benny Sinclair!) and Essendon kicked about two goals.
And then Essendon kicked about two goals in the second half to our several hundred behinds (hello forward line issues, oh how I dislike you intensely).
With roughly a minute to go.
And we got the clearance.
And kicked it to Travis Cloke.
(at this point, all the Essendon fans were pissed off b/c they thought it was a soft free kick, which it was, but yeah whatever, it's not like they got 2746284 free kicks during the game- oh wait they did)
Then the siren went.
And the ball was about 65 metres out from Essendon's goal.
And the umpire thought, "lol, let's give Essendon a second chance" and called a free kick.
So we held our breaths that this Essendon kid couldn't kick 65 metres.
Thank God.

Winner winner chicken dinner
Top of the ladder, yo

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


Remember some time ago when I related characters of Hunger Games to Glee characters?
Yeah, well, I'm bored again, so I'll now relate City of Bones characters to Glee ones.

Let's begin, shall we?

  • Marley Rose = Clary Fray. I mean, come on, absoutely adorable, both of them. And yes, Clary is a ranga and Marley's not, but ADORABLE. And they both love a guy who's like a badass but also a mega stud. And that guy loves Marley/Clary more than anything in the world and would never ever hurt her.
  • Jake Puckerman = Jace Lightwood. Both badasses and tough, but would do anything for the girl they like, and would never hurt them.
  • Sam Evans = Simon Lewis. So geeky and nerdy omg. Simon's in a band, Sam's in the glee club. Both play guitar. Did I mention adorable and geeky? Both of them love Star Wars.
  • Kurt Hummel = Magnus Bane. GAYGAYGAYGAY and loves glitter and fashion and cats.
  • Blaine Anderson = Alec Lightwood. The alpha gays. More manly than their respective partners, they were the pants in the relationship.
  • Quinn Fabray = Izzy Lightwood. Absolutely gorgeous and stunning but can be ruthless if need be. Both of them are in love with a nice geeky guy (Sam/Simon)
  • Tina Cohen-Chang = Maia. Kind of shy, I guess? But really nice sweet girl, yet if a guy mistreats her, watch out.
  • Artie Abrams = Jordan. Artie may have said some horrible things to Tina, but he didn't really mean them and loved her. Same with Jordan, except Maia/Jordan is endgame; and Artie/Tina is my fantasy.
  • Finn Hudson = Luke Garroway. MY DREAM GUY. Always helpful and selfless and so great (well, Finn tries to be helpful but he's a little thick) and they love their respective partners a lot. 
  • Rachel Berry = Jocelyn Fray. Rachel's somewhat annoying and Jocelyn is an overprotective parent. Same diff.
  • Sebastian Smythe = Sebastian/Jonathan. EVILLLL. 
Yeah, idk any others.
Please feel free to add your own in the comments. If anyone is reading this. Which I doubt it. 

Friday, January 18, 2013


One word: embarrassing.

I mean, when none of your batsmen can make over 10 (except for Starsky and some kid who reminds me of Jace*), then your team sucks pretty bad.

And the bowling seemed pretty damn good, like 6 wickets and a few dropped catches and a missed run out opportunity. Oh and that one where the ball nicked the bat but the umpire said no and Pup didn't review.
So yeah, great pressure in the field, Australia really made Sri Lanka work for those 75 runs. Top job, boys.

The batting.
Bring Mike Hussey back.
Thank you.
Glad we sorted that out.

*You know, Jace. idk what it is, maybe they have the same birthday. Or something.

Friday, January 11, 2013

FANFIC #827424

"Where would you like to go today?" Starsky asked.
It was his day off, and he picked the place on his previous day off (playing an intense game of two-man cricket) so it was my turn.
"Umm," I said, thinking hard, stroking my non-existant hard-to-grow goatee, "The zoo!"
"The... what?" Starsky said, shaking his head in bewilderment, "Yeah, sure, let's go."

We packed some food and stuff, and hit the road, Starsky behind the wheel and me inserting my Glee Christmas CD into the CD player.
"Haven't you listened to that enough?" Starsky muttered.
"No," I replied, "One hundred and forty three is not enough."
Starsky sighed.

We arrived at the zoo, got out of the car, me still singing Jingle Bell Rock as Starsky put on the backpack and we headed in.
"I should write a zombie novel," I mused, as we walked around to see each animal. "This is good inspiration."
"How is this inspiration for a zombie novel?" Starsky asked, lathering his nose and cheeks with zinc.
"It just is," I replied, grinning at some monkeys.

After spending the whole day at the zoo, eating chips and chocolate and squished vegemite sandwiches from Starsky's backpack, we headed home.
"That was such a good day," Starsky mused, as we walked back past the monkeys and gorillas.
"Yes, definitely," I agreed, "Inspiration for my zom---"
"Don't say it!" Starsky yelled, pointing at me as if that would shut me up.
It did. I fell silent, gazing at the huge gorilla who was staring at me with human eyes.
"That gorilla has such human eyes," Starsky said, staring at the same gorilla that I was, "They look familiar."
"Hamish and Andy!" I yelled, excitedly.
"Hamish and An---," I tried to say again, but the gorilla had leaped straight towards us.
Zookeepers were on the gorilla in no time, seizing it before it could get past the enclosure.
The gorilla ripped off his head.
It was Dilshan.
He looked right at Starsky, angrily.
"D'urgggg, why can't Sri Lanka win for once?" he yelled, as the zookeepers stood there, perplexed.
Starsky blinked.
"Don't talk to Starsky that way!" I yelled, "It's your own fault, play some decent cricket for a change."
Dilshan glared at both of us.
The zookeepers remained stunned.
Starsky blinked.
I reached into his backpack, retrieved an apple pie that had clearly seen better days, and chucked it straight at Dilshan.
It hit him in the face.
I high fived Starsky, and we bolted out of the zoo, got in the car and were on the road singing The First Noel before Dilshan could utter a single word: "D'urg".

Sunday, January 6, 2013

FANFIC #628642

"Laura, you have won the chance of a lifetime... a boat trip with three of your closest friends," the radio announcer announced.
"Wooo hooo!" I yelled into the phone, as I stuffed a piece of cake from the fridge in my mouth.

The next day, I brought my three buddies down to the local harbour to begin our boat trip around Melbourne's stunning beaches.
The owner of the boat was waiting beside it, grinning at us. "Who have you brought?"
"Alex Fasolo, Matty Wade... aaaaaaaand T-Pain!" I said, pointing to each person in turn. I grinned at them all, and each one grinned back.
Bad Haddin was lurking behind Tim. "But... I... I thought I would be..." Bad started to say.
I shook my head at him. "We're going on a boat trip, Bad, we can't have someone constantly dropping the anchor all the time. Jaysus."
Bad sighed. "Okay."

Me, Alex, Wadey, and Tim jumped on the boat and the sailor got it moving. We waved goodbye to the owner, who was grinning, and also Bad, who was sulking.

"I'm flippin' burgers!" Tim said, gleefully, starting up the barbeque and throwing some burgers on.
"Put some sausages on for me," Alex called, lounging on chair with an ice cold beer.
"Me too," I yelled, sitting on a chair near Alex.
"Pass me a beer, Faz," Wadey called, sitting on the other side of the decking.
Alex chucked a beer in his direction. Wade stretched out his hands, fumbled it, and ended up catching it between his knees.
Tim chuckled. "Oh Matt," he said, shaking his head.
"Hey, it didn't drop," Wadey countered, taking a swig.

We laughed and drank and ate burgers for a few hours. It was glorious fun.
Tim showed us all his skillz, like flipping burgers straight into our bread rolls from about 5 metres away, and reflexively putting tomato sauce and onions on four sausage-in-breads at once, and getting them to each person at the same time.
"I can do that too," Wadey said, munching into a sausage.
"We believe you," I said, smiling kindly at little Wade, "it's just T-Pain is impressive."
Wadey fell silent, probably imagining his wonderful century at the SCG.
"I can do that too," Alex exclaimed, throwing his serviette at me.
"Sure you can," I said, throwing the serviette back.
"I'll show you," Alex said, "I will serve the dessert."

We all watched as Alex got a few mini apple pies out of the Esky. He put one in each bowl, added some ice-cream, and tossed them at us.
I got my pie straight into my face. I groaned as apple, pastry and the coldness of the ice-cream slid down my face.
Wiping the majority off with my hands, I glanced at everyone else. Wadey had apple and ice-cream splattered on his good cricket whites, and T-Pain had apple smeared around his mouth and ice-cream on his expensive new shoes.
I glared at Alex, who was innocently eating his pie and ice-cream without a worry in the world.
I saw that Wadey and Tim were also glaring at Alex.
I nodded at them.
They nodded at me.
Alex was absent-mindedly eating.
I snuck over to the Esky, fished out a blueberry pie, spun around quickly and shoved it in Alex's face.

Alex's bowl smashed on the ground.
I laughed.
Wadey laughed.
T-Pain laughed.
Alex stood there, his face hidden behind a curtain of blueberry, and laughed too.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

FANFIC #8267482

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" I yelled, running up to Starsky and hugging him, "I haven't seen you since last year!"
Starsky laughed. "Yep," he said, "it's been awhile."
"Did you have a nice holiday?" I asked, releasing him from the hug.
"Yes, it was magical," Starsky said.
I grinned. "You should've taken me!"
Starsky just smiled and shook his head. "No, just me and Alyssa."
"Aw," I said, sadly.
"You'd like her, she's a keeper like your friend.. what's his name, um..."
"Yeah!" Starsky said, "him."
"You don't know his name?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.
"So, you don't like him much?" I said, loudly, "So, your girlfriend's uncle has been getting in your ear and..."
"No," Starsky said, indignantly. "Of course I like Wade, I..."
Starsky didn't trail off, he never trailed off. I knew something was up, when my confident bff was stuttering and not finishing his sentences.

I turned around.
A Sri Lankan was standing behind me, his face resembling a pixie, his hand wrapped in a bandage.
He was crying.
"Um, are you... are you okay?" I asked him.
The man nodded, tears falling down his cheeks.
"Would you... do you like pie?" I asked.
He nodded again.
I got out a blueberry pie from my pocket, and whipped it into the man's face.
He licked his lips.
And laughed.
Me and Starsky laughed too.
"Thank you," the man said, still laughing, "I feel so much better now."

P.S. Pies makes people happy
go pies.
2013 premiers.