Wednesday, January 11, 2017

FANFIC #829424

"Knight to E4," I said, staring at the chess board.
Mitchie J picked up my knight and moved it to E4. "You have to actually pick it up, this isn't wizard's chess," he explained.
"Huh," I said, understanding.
We sat in silence for a few minutes until I piped up with, "Uh, Mitch? Your turn."
Mitch jumped and blinked a few times. "Shit, sorry, just distracted."
I knocked the whole chess board off the table.
Mitch jumped again.
"Are you still thinking about your old mate KP?" I asked him.
"No," Mitch scowled.
And then: "...Yes." Mitch sighed. "I haven't seen him in years. I dunno what he'll be like. Do you think he missed me? What do I say?"
"Hm," I said.
"Maybe.." I said, thinking some more. "You should..."
"THROW A PIE!" Me and Mitch said at the same time like all good bffs do.
We fell on the ground laughing.

*4 hours later*
I stood in the stands at the WACA near the race that the Perth Scorchers come out of. Mitch came over to where I was, and signed a few kids' shirts and bats.
"You got everything?" I asked him, feeling a bit nervous about our plan.
"Yeah," Mitch answered.
"Good luck," I said.
"Thanks," he said.

The game was on. Quiney had just tried to hit his 17th six and failed and was walking back to the pavilion. I watched from the sidelines as Kevin Pietersen walked to the crease, swishing his rhino bat at imaginary cricket balls as he walked.
I looked at Mitchie J, standing at the top of his mark, taking deep breaths.
KP got to the crease.
KP got ready to face the ball.
Mitchie J breathed a few more times, twirling the ball in his hand.
KP was ready.
Mitchie J started his run up.
He kept running.
Then
at the crease
he launched the ball into the perfect bouncer
and
at the last second
right before the ball smashed into KP's helmet
it turned into a pie
and splattered all over the grille
and into KP's smug little face

The crowd wowed and gasped, in absolute hysterics.
I laughed.
Mitchie J laughed.
KP was mortified.

At the end of the game, I met Mitchie J at a bar down the road from the WACA.
"You did good," I said, nursing my cider.
"He hit me for 5 sixes in one over," Mitch said, shaking his head and taking a big gulp of beer, "And our team lost."
I laughed. "That was the best part."
Mitch scowled at me and chucked a pie in my face.
THE END

Thursday, October 6, 2016

COPELAND TROPHY 2k16 PREDICTIONS

okay, as I've been doing every year, i'm gonna predict the Copeland awards, yo

The Top 10:
1st: ADAM TRELOAR
2nd: pendles
3rd: sidey
4th: grundy/reid
5th: jack crisp
6th: taylor adams
7th: nathan brown
8th: levi greenwood
9th: jordan de goey
10th: jeremy howe

Best Finals player: hahahaha i don't think this award exists any more
Best first year player: JOSH SMITH
Best VFL player: caff or ben moloney 
Leading goalkicker: ALEX FASOLO OH MY GODDDDDDDDD YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS (25 goals in 12 games yoooo)
Best clubman: alex fasolo's a clubman hahaha nah idk maybe caff??? or tooves
Desire indicators: hmmm jarryd blair

look i have no idea hahahaha but the top 3 is too easy hahaha

Monday, May 2, 2016

FRIENDS

footy sucks again :(
i mean it was going okay in the 2nd and 3rd quarters but it just sucks, you know???
so i'm here to make another list b/c yolo
also i don't mind losing to West Coast b/c they are babes and i'd bang like all of them (mostly brad shep) but i DO mind losing to carlton and daisy thomas and other horrible people.


  • 1 x Ben crocker (he's too young for me but mmmm love me anyway but no i really liked his game in the vfl, setting up goals, running and chasing hard, he did everything in the 2nd quarter of the vfl)
  • 1 x tom phillips
  • 1 x cake for tim broomhead b/c he's learning how to goal celebrate and i am proud
  • 821834 x cakes for alex fasolo
  • 234 x steele sidebottom
  • 1 x uninjured taylor adams
  • 924 x travis varcoe
  • 6 x prayers for jonathon marsh so he gets better 
  • 1 x smelly fish in marc murphy's car
  • 1 x treasure map to lead alex fasolo to the love of his life (me)
  • 1 x brent macaffer
  • 1 x james aish
  • 1 x rising star nom for darcy moore
  • 20 x books titled "how to defend for dummies" for like all of them
  • 1 x box of donuts for daisy thomas to remind him of how many goals he's kicking on saturday (and to make him fat ha ha ha)
  • 1 x dane swan
  • 1 x jamie elliott
  • 7243 x alex fasolo b/c you can never have enough sexy babes 
  • 23 x books titled "kick to alex fasolo in the forward line b/c he needs goals, who cares if he's got 20 defenders on him and he's never gonna get it (my loving)" for all of them hahaha
okay i'm done
i just want ben crocker to debut
but idec, i just want ben shhhh

Sunday, April 17, 2016

FOOTBALL SUCKS

no, it actually sucks.
so i have come here, to make a list, because we really REALLY need to beat essendon.


  • 1 x uninjured dane swan (PLEASE)
  • 1 x fit jamie elliott (PRETTY PLEASE)
  • 1 x cake for alex fasolo
  • 20 x books titled "how to deliver the ball to the forward line for dummies" mostly for tay, but also everyone
  • 20  x books titled "don't kick to alex fasolo if he's surrounded by 20 defenders because he's never gonna get it" for basically everyone
  • 1 x tim broomhead
  • 1 x ben crocker
  • 7264 x adam treloar
  • 1 x treasure map to lead alex fasolo to the love of his life (me)
  • 1 x smelly fish in brendan goddard's car
  • 1 x rising star nomination for darcy moore
  • 1 x miracle that ben reid can get through a whole year without hurting himself
  • 1 x box of donuts for joe daniher to remind him of how many goals he's kicking next monday
  • 824 x alex fasolo because again, we need way more of this sexy babe
  • 1 x brent macaffer
  • -1 x jesse white (he did a few good things but no thank you)
  • 1 x anthrax-infected moustache comb for joe daniher
  • 1 x jonathon marsh (PLEASE)
  • 6824 x travis varcoe
  • 92892842943 x steele sidebottom
  • infinite x tom langdon (and his cute man bun)
that's it.
i'll go mail this to bucks and we should be right.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

WELL FOOTY'S BACK

and footy sucks.
glad we found that out in round 1.
but alas, no! footy doesn't suck, the nab challenge series was actually pretty good, we can get that back
and that's why I'm here.
to write a list (you're welcome, bucks)
wE HAVE TO BEAT RICHMOND, THERE'S NO OTHER OPTION, WE HAVE A BETTER LIST THAN RICHMOND, TRELOAR SAID SO


  • 1 x uninjured Dane Swan lol plz
  • 15 x adam treloar
  • 1 x cake for alex fasolo 
  • 20 x books titled "how to play football for dummies" 
  • 1 x 20 cent coin to dane swan so he doesn't retire
  • 1 x hair removal cream for trent cotchin's dumb luscious hair (hey cotchin will meet his old mate caff next week hehehe)
  • 1 x ben reid
  • 7284 x alex fasolo b/c we need more of this sexy babe
  • 1 x quick-fix for travis varcoe's hamstring 
  • 1 x treasure map to lead Alex Fasolo to me
  • 1 x smelly fish in jack riewoldt's car
  • 1 x rising star nomination for darcy moore
  • 1 x tim broomhead
  • 22 x players who get their little paws on the footy
  • 22 x players who can kick straight and use the footy properly
  • 15 x players who can find a target inside the forward 50
  • 1 x muffin basket for the MRP so they don't give sidebottom any weeks
  • 1 x waiving of josh thomas' suspension 
  • 1 x jamie elliott
  • 1 x box of donuts for ty vickery (just to remind him how many goals he'll kick on friday)
  • 1 x adam oxley
okay yeah i'm done bye
*mails list to nathan buckley*

Friday, October 9, 2015

thoughts on the copeland trophy 2015


  • most of my predictions came true, like the obvious ones (gooey and jamie's awards and pendles coming first, and swanny second)
  • i had crispy, tay and sidey in my top 5 so that's cool. 
  • i knew langdon would be in the top 10 (he was 5th after round 17 or whatever and i was hoping he would keep that spot but oh well, next year)
  • thank god nathan j. brown got recognised for all his hard work and being a great bloke, he really deserves it ABOUT BLOODY TIME lol god bless. and then at the end of his speech, he's like "i better wrap it up now b/c i'll finish it when i pick up the copeland later" omg
  • i picked varcoe and brown to get in the top 10 and they did, but i am disappointed fazzy didn't get in there. sigh. he probably got 11th. lol. (i looked at west coast's top 10 during the night and couldn't see sharrod so it doesn't even matter if you don't make the top 10, you're still a valuable player)
  • tay's girlfriend alex wore the same dress as alex davis
  • benken rocked up to the copeland presumably for the free booze and he's bored of soloing to the movies every night
  • glad they mentioned (and invited) young, dwyer, manteit, patty k and T.A.'s new journalism career, they deserve recognition!!!! there's at least two afl/vfl premierships between them all!!!!
  • caff's having a baby
  • they're all going to bali today/tomorrow/idk for the king and queen's wedding
  • we're stuck with pendles for another 4 years 
  • fazzy introduced the gordon coventry award and i died 
  • jonathon marsh took his mum as his date awww
  • i didn't see the timster all night, i am disappointed, lol i wonder if he was solo or had his dumb girlfriend there I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
  • i assume fazzy went with ox and benken, and not izy lol
  • seedsy sat at home, watching the livestream, and crying (I DON'T KNOW OKAY BUT IF HE'S HUMAN THEN HE CRIED AND CRAWLED BACK TO COLLINGWOOD WITH HIS TAIL BETWEEN HIS LEGS)
  • fuck why didn't collingwood sign seedsy back in april 
  • or at least when he kicked that goal against freo
  • so mad
  • ugh
  • if he'd just been signed back in april-june then everything would've been fine
  • if only benken hadn't been dropped after the dogs game WOW HE MISSED ONE SET SHOT THAT WAS 30-40 METRES OUT ON AN ANGLE, HE ISN'T SUPERMAN
  • oh oh and ben moloney won the vfl best player SO DESERVING
  • he drives from geelong three times a week for training and loves it
  • he could easily switch to geelong's vfl team or get a game wherever he wants but HE'S SIGNED ON TO OUR VFL TEAM FOR ANOTHER YEAR
  • GOD BLESS
  • HE GETS PAID PEANUTS AS A VFL PLAYER AND WORKS ANOTHER JOB BUT HE LOVES COLLINGWOOD
  • HE LOVES US
  • HE LOVES VICTORIA PARK
and yeah
bye

Thursday, October 8, 2015

copeland trophy 2015

let's continue with the trend i started a few years ago and predict the winners of the awards tonight lol

okay
for the main copeland trophy award, i'll guess the top 10-
1st: pendles
2nd: swanny/sidebottom
3rd: taylor adams
4th: marley
5th: jack crisp
6th: travis varcoe
7th: nathan brown
8th: tom langdon
9th: jamie elliott
10th: fazzy baby

Best Finals player: brent macaffer yo (i don't think this award counts for vfl finals though lol)
Best first year player: GOOEY
Best VFL player: SAM DWYER
Leading goalkicker: JAMIE
Best clubman: i never know what a clubman is, but has to be Alex Fasolo
Desire indicators: again, dunno what this is, but just give it to Alex Fasolo plz @ god

i just want faz to get in the top 10 omg or at least get one award SOMETHING, ANYTHING, PLZ @ GOD JESUS OBAMA TAY