WINNERS

WE DID IT
WE BEAT AN UNDEFEATED TEAM
WE BEAT GEELONG IN AN ODD YEAR

You guise, it was such a good match, like just wow.
No Toovey, no Daisy, no Heath Shaw, no Beams, no Tyson Goldsack, AND YET WE STILL WON
And the best part: we got off to a good start and managed to stay ahead for basically the whole match (until the umpires gave Geelong all the free kicks but luckily that didn't faze us).

MAD SKILLZ

And I know all you avid readers (or lack of) are patiently waiting for another silly list, well TOO BAD b/c we don't need a list. Everything is okay. We just take that intensity from last night, all that pressure and tackling and awesomeness, and do it again next Friday. Maybe with Didak and Benny J, but yeah. Oh and Heath Shaw. Maybe get rid of Wittsy idk idk he did a super good tackle though, like yeah, it was such a team effort.

Also SAM DWYER.
The kid has been so damn good for us, not just last night, but all the other games, and like how was he hiding down at Port Melbourne all these years. But like he's 26 and not one club wanted him for all those years? Huh.

Oh and Jamie Elliott is just amazing, the way he played last night, not only kicking 3 goals but assisting goals too.
Also Krakouer omg, like just so great.
Krak, Caff, Lukey Ball... three out of four players that had ACLs last year were playing and did a pretty damn good job.
Marley Williams, back from a shoulder reconstruction, was amazing too.

Just a superb effort.

Anyway.
So proud of the boys.
Also, if Jolly gets suspended for THAT, then it's ridiculous, I mean yes it may have been high, but Stokes ran into Jolly AND DIDN'T EVEN GET HURT. AT ALL.
Oh well.
It'll only be a week, at most.
Our new number 25 ruckman will be okay to play.
Also, we've got Wittsy (who played alright) and Corey Gault is improving each week in the VFL, and Grundy's due to make his VFL debut next week or the week after (also Keeffe!), so ruck is the last of our worries.

Awesome. :D

New rule: only make lists (even Buckley's to-do list or anything) after a loss.
This is better b/c we don't need lists after a win at all, b/c a win is a win.
And wins are good, we like winning, and we're happy after a win, so why need cheering up with a silly list?
The silly lists originated for cheering us up after a loss.
So, here goes.

• 1 x petition to change the year to an even year (just for the game next Saturday, we can beat the Cats in even years)
• 1 x Luke Ball
• 1 x Alan Didak
• 8 x large chocolate cakes with chocolate icing for the VFL Match Review Panel to reverse Faz' suspension
• 3 x large chocolate cakes with chocolate icing for Alex Fasolo
• 88 x donkeys for Travis Cloke
• 1 x petition for all games to be three quarters max.
• 2,827,424 x banana peels scattered along the Princes Freeway on Friday/Saturday, all the way from Geelong to the MCG 
• 10 x road blocks along Princes Freeway, just in case
• 1 x Ben Johnson
• 1 x Jye Bolton
• 1 x Sharrod Wellingham
• 1 x Ben Sinclair (NEED. FOR. SPEED.) (idk was that our problem, speed wasn't even our problem? Just need fresher legs, I guess)
• 1 x book titled "How to Kick Goals for Dummies" for Travis Cloke (he can share it around though)
• 21 x book titled "There Are More Players Who Can Mark And Kick Goals Than Me So Kick It To Them Or So Help Me: an autobiography by Travis Cloke" for everyone except Travis Cloke (it's basically just pictures based on Travis' literate abilities but it has a better storyline than Twilight and comes with a free pack of crayons)
• 1 x book titled "How to be a Somewhat Decent Ruck and Forward and Kick Sweet Goals from 50-metres on the Boundary: autobiography by Leigh Brown" for Quinten Lynch
• 1 x Jarrod Witts (I'd give him Leigh Brown's autobiography as well, but he already has a several copies, and hugs them in bed each night)
• 1 x Dayne Beams
• 4 x gold stars for Sammy Dwyer, Josh Thomas, Sidebottom, and Seedsman.
• 1 x quick-fix-hamstrings for Marty Clarke
• 2 x hungry vicious lions released into Jimmy Bartel's bedroom
• 1 x turducken for Joel Selwood, except instead of the turducken, it's just a duck with a ticking timebomb inside
• 1 x punch in the face for Chris Scott (wipe that smirk off his stupid face)
• 1 x brain for Heath Shaw b/c fuck you that's why
• 1 x camera for Harry O
• 1 x AFL rules book for the umpires, just in case
• 1 x law to make ducking your head for a free kick illegal
• 1 x anti-wrinkle cream for Podsiadly
• 1 x Mitch Brown
• 1 x Lachlan Keeffe
• 1 x petition for Tom Hawkins to officially change his name to Tom Dorkins (I want to spell it "dawkins" but I'm sure there's decent people with that last name and there's nothing worse than having the same name as a twat)

And yeah.

We have nothing to worry about, you guise.

Everything is okay.

Go Pies!

P.S. for obvious reasons, this is the last list ever until Hell freezes over. Or until Collingwood loses again, whichever comes first.
(The answer is obvious)
(You may as well start praying the temperature drops in Satan's bedroom)
(And then we'll use the sharp icicles to stab blue-and-white-striped pussycats)

WINNING

WE BEAT THE 2009/2010 NEAR-PREMIERS, HOW GREAT ARE WE
Of course we're great.
Seriously.

Now, excuse me while I sneak into Bucks' house, say hi to Jett and Ayce, steal a piece of last night's lasagna from their fridge, and take a photo of Bucks' to-do list hanging on the fridge (sandwiched between Jett's report card with a big A+ on it and a photo of Bucks holding a brownlow medal)

Anyway.
Here's what it says:

• Make sure plane seat to Perth is next to Alex Fasolo

• Buy a camera for Harry O (weekly steele photos, yay)

• Tell Faz he needs to take more instagram photos or he can't get back on the team

• Take Faz out for lunch

• Buy two tickets for Legally Blonde The Musical

• Work up the courage to ask Faz to come with

• Pray 3 times a day that Jack Frost's knee is okay

• Book hair appointment at Madd Hair

• Search up google images of Ryan Gosling

• Realise that Ryan Gosling is too handsome

• Spend all week trying to get photos of Daisy's hair from different angles

• Realise that Daisy is more handsome than Ryan Gosling

• Retrieve photo of Ryan Gosling from the trash

• Send a postcard with a picture of the 2010 premiers on it and title it "wish you were here (but you aren't!)" to Ross Lyon

• Cover the aforementioned postcard in anthrax

• Teach the players how to kick goals

• Bake a cake for Alex Fasolo

• Let Faz lick the spoon

• Send the spoon to Mick Malthouse's mansion

• Laugh because the spoon was wooden

• Casually ring Sharrod to see how he's going

• Bring a large sack to Perth

• Try to remember how big Sharrod was and hope that the aforementioned large sack is big enough

• Maybe get a bigger sack so Mitch Brown will fit in there too

• Attempt to find the largest sack possible so Nathan Fyfe will also fit

• Organise a lightspeed-recovery program for Fyfe for when he is brought back to Melbourne

• Get all the injured Pies on the same lightspeed-recovery program

Phew, it must be a busy week for Bucks.

I think the list was longer, but you know these smart phone cameras, they can't capture everything. 

Anyway

Yeah, bring it on, Freo, way to not go

Heave the hell out of here, ho(e)

ANOTHER WEEK, ANOTHER LIST.

Well, we know one thing: the previous list didn't work so that sucks.

DAMN YOU, ESSENDON.
Ugh.

Anyway.
Time for another list (which will be sent to Nathan Buckley by a particularly fast owl, probably named Hedwig):

105 x rule books for all AFL umpires to share (with "contact sport" written in big letters on every page so that they don't give away free kicks for the barest of nudges, I mean seriously)
1 x Alan Didak
1 x Benny J
22 x peptides for each player
1 x Ben Kennedy (LET ALL THE BENS PLAY)
1 x easy-knee-treatment for Toovey (sold at your local 7/11 or supermarket)
10 x meatballs for Alex Fasolo
1 x hug for Alex Fasolo (given to him by yours truly b/c I've always wanted to hug little Faz)
1 x Luke Ball
16 x Steele Sidebottom
4 x green vests for Sinclair, Fasolo and Seedsman (b/c these three might play just a touch better after taking off a green vest, yeah? We know Faz can, at any rate)
1 x punnet of berries for Stephen Milne* (I found them on a wild bush somewhere, idk)
1 x Cam Wood, for Travis Cloke to cuddle at night
1 x Chris Dawes (look, I know, but it doesn't work with one full-forward and one full-forward-slash-ruckman WE LEARNT THAT LAST YEAR, YES OKAY GOSH)
63 x painkillers for Dayne Beams (I just want him back *sniff*)
22 x schoolgirls (that'll keep each St Kilda player occupied on Friday, right?)
1 x SLR camera for Harry O (b/c Weekly Steele Photos are my life okay)
50 x 'How To Kick Goals for Dummies' for each Collingwood player (there may be spares idk)
1 x 1000-word essay on 'How To Kick A Goal' from each player given to Bucks first thing Monday morning
1 x Jye Bolton
1 x Kris Pendlebury (some good defenders would be sweet right now)


*he looks like a berry person, okay. I don't know what a berry person looks like (if there is such a thing), but Milne is it.

WINNERS

WE WON, WE DID IT, WE BEAT A TOP 4 TEAM, WE BEAT THE TEAM THAT BEAT THE GRAND FINALISTS LAST YEAR
Mad skillz.
And also: MY LIST WORKED.

Maybe I should write another list, and send it by express post so it reaches Bucks' house in 5 days (mail is slow these days, okay, gotta get in early)

Here we go:

• 4 x donkeys for Travis Cloke (four for you Travis, you go Travis)
• 1 x painkillers for Nathan J Brown
• 1 x Mitch Brown, just in case Nathan seriously can't get up in time
• 1 x syringe found at the beach for James Hird (trust me, he might have a fetish for injecting himself, he won't be able to resist)
• 1 x box of tissues for Goddard (St Kilda players seem prone to crying, I ain't taking any chances)
• 1 x Alan Didak 
• 7 x scoops of ice-cream for Alex Fasolo
• 1 x plane ticket to New Zealand on Thursday for Goddard (IF HE REALLY LOVES THEM, WHY ISN'T HE PLAYING WITH THEM, JESUS CHRIST)
• 1 x petition for Zaharakis to legally change his name to "Ruffo" so there's no confusion
• 1 x anti-wrinkle cream for Dustin Fletcher 
• 10 x Travis Cloke
• 10 x Dane Swan
• 1 x petition for "Press Red For Ed" to be an option for people watching Channel 7 
• 1 x Benny J 
• 1 x Ben Kennedy (BENNNN, THE TWO OF US NEED LOOK NO MORE, WE BOTH FOUND WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FORRR~)

Okay, that's it.

*folds up list*

*sticks it in an envelope with Bucks' address on it*

*licks envelope*

*place into postbox*

And now we wait.

Go Pies!

Well, we lost to Hawthorn.
So, you know what that means.
It's time for another list.

So, Nathan Buckley, your team did well for a bit but I've got some stuff for you to get:

• 1 x quick-fix recovery for Nick Maxwell (if not available then 1300-JESUS should do it)
• 10 x Alex Fasolo
• 2 x Ben Reid, just in case one goes down
• 1 x Jye Bolton
• 59 x donkeys for Travis Cloke
• 8 x meatballs for Alex Fasolo (you deserve them, kiddo)
• 1 x boyfriend arm pillow for Daisy to sleep with (if not available, I'd like to offer my services)
• 1 x fix-ribs-quick for Darren Jolly 
• 1 x petition for all Hawks players to wear bells so you know if they are coming up behind you
• 1 x spray for Richmond players, delivered by Dave Hughes 
• 1 x laxatives for Trent Cotchin's pre-game tea*
• 22 x peptides to inject before the game
• 1 x Josh Thomas (no, not you Comedian Josh, sit down)
• 1 x sailing trip around the Whitsundays in September for Mick Malthouse
• 1 x puppy for Alex Fasolo
• 1 x marriage contract for me and Alex Fasolo to sign
• 1 x weed for Buddy Franklin to snort
• 1 x rules book for all AFL umpires
• 1 x brain for Heath Shaw (I'm sorry, but you can't just grab someone's jumper and shove them to the ground, jaysus)
• 1 x Will Minson to help me with my Maths assignment (did ya know Minson tutored a teammate in maths, the kid was able to play a solid 5 quarters)

And yeah.

We are going to beat those Tigers and send them back down to 9th.

*I just assume he's a tea person, okay. He looks like a tea person.

WE BEAT CARLTON

Yep.
We did.
Mad skillz.

It was so amazing (and also really scary) and Jamie Elliott was a star and Blairy played well, and the Q-Stick  really stepped up to be the main ruck for the whole game (get better soon, Jolly xoxoxo).

Also Sammy Dwyer was fabulous, wow.
Poor Seedsy might get dropped (b/c Daisy, Faz, etc are ready) and every time Sinclair snapped for goal, it wouldn't go anywhere near the goals, mostly just straight up in the air.
THERE'S ROOM FOR DAISY AND FAZ.
AND MAYBE DIDAK.
YAY.
And also Ben Hudson could get a game, I mean we might be able to beat Carlton with only one ruck, but Hawthorn? idk idk, better to be safe than sorry, better to have Hudson available, so that Q-stick can help Travis in the forward line.

I just want Alex Fasolo to play.
Sulk.
It's been too long.
(fun* fact: the last time I went to a game Faz played in, it was against Hawks)

Also I got invited to a wedding, you guise. It's on the 4th August, at the same time that we play Essendon. SO TORN. (not really) (would never choose footy over a wedding) (are you kidding me, you actually thought I'd do that) (gosh)
WHY DO GOOD THINGS CLASH WITH COLLINGWOOD GAMES, COLLINGWOOD IS THE CENTRE OF MY UNIVERSE, COLLINGWOOD IS THE CENTRE OF ALL UNIVERSES.
Meh.
I probably wouldn't have gone to the game anyway (actually, I might have, b/c it won't be that much of a blockbuster and I'd be able to get a seat).
No, but usually I don't go to games b/c I'm not a member and I have no friends, so if it's a blockbuster game, I'd have to sit by myself up really high (like with the birds and clouds and Witts' head), and every Collingwood game is a blockbuster, especially Carlton, Hawks, Geelong, Essendon, etc etc.
But this Essendon game is the non-ANZAC Day match, so it's a half-blockbuster? Like it's towards the end of the season when Essendon are worn out by their peptides and snorting weed so it's usually a bit of a thrashing. Essendon fans have headed back inside their closets by then.

But yeah, every Collingwood game is a blockbuster, b/c we have 70,000+ members and they ALL go to every game (like ALL OF THEM) and there are only 90,000 seats at the MCG, so that's like 70,000 seats reserved for them, plus the Essendon cheersquad (1000?) and then a spattering of Essendon fans here and there (10,000?), so that's like 8,000 seats left, mainly located on the very top level, really really high, mostly behind the goals.
Not good seats.
Especially being by myself.
idk.
Oh and there's the whole MCC section that isn't full (unless we play Melbourne, and even then they go to the snow that weekend) so that's another area I can't sit in.
Man, maths is tough.
Bye.

I'm just trying to show that it's a lot better choosing a wedding over the footy.
The end.
Plus I get to catch the bouquet (hopefully) and then marry Alex Fasolo.


*Not a very fun fact though, we lost badly that day. Faz played alright though.