Tuesday, May 9, 2017

FIRST LIST FOR 2017

No one reads this blog but anyway, here goes
Collingwood are 2-5 on the ladder and playing like absolute poo except for when we play crappy teams  like Sydney and Geelong.

So, my friend Nathan Buckley, we need the following things:

  • 1 x Daniel Wells 
  • 10 x books titled "how to kick inside our forward 50 for dummies" for most players especially taylor adams
  • 1 x quick fix miracle treatment for Travis Varcoe
  • 98284 x cakes for Alex Fasolo b/c he's amazing and carries our forward line
  • 1 x box of donuts for Jeremy Cameron to remind him of how many goals he's kicking on saturday
  • 1 x the version of Jarryd Blair that played in the vfl last Sunday, not the other one
  • 1 x Ben Crocker
  • 1 x Matt Scharenberg (i understand why bucks would hold him back though b/c he's a precious little angel and we don't want to throw him in the deep end)
  • 1 x book titled "how to write cute messages on cute girl's guernsey" for Tim Broomhead b/c he can legit think of nothing RUUUDE
  • 1 x treasure map for Alex Fasolo to lead him to the treasure (me)
  • 1 x a fit Rupert Wills
  • 1 x lesson for Taylor Adams on how to kick to a collingwood player
  • 1 x rising star nom for Tom Phillips (and/or Ben Crocker, depending which one plays on saturday idk)
  • 8248 x jamie elliotts
  • 28249824 x ben reids
  • 1 x smelly fish in Mumford's car

we need to beat GWS and continue our unbeaten streak against that mob 

Monday, January 23, 2017

FANFIC (sequel to the previous one)

It was a nice sunny day in Perth and I was chilling on the beach with my bff Mitchie J. I placed my book down on the sand and glanced at my bff.
"So," I said, "you ready for tonight?"
Mitch was calm, steady. "Yes."
We watched the ocean for a bit, as Seb Gotch tried to surf a wave and failed, and Ashton Agar got dunked under a bigger wave.
I waved to Seb shyly and he glanced back at me, recognition in his eyes. Mitch shot me a look. "He's the opposition!" Mitch hissed at me.
"Yeah, so?" I said, feeling a bit guilty because I should be fully supportive of my bff and whatever team he plays for, "He's cute."
Mitch rolled his eyes. "Can we throw a pie at him?"
"No!" I said, indignantly.

*hours later*
At the WACA, Scorchers had posted a total of 129. In a way, I prayed it was enough so Mitchie J could go into the big grand final, but I was from Melbourne so I had a soft spot for the Stars. And Seb. Most definitely Seb.
After Quiney had hit 10 sixes in a row and KP had faced a dozen balls from his old mate Mitchie J, they were both out, succumbing to the tricky bouncers of my bff.
Seb came in.
I held my breath.
And prayed he'd make it through Mitch's dangerous spell.
Mitch ran in.
Bowled the ball.
It was a fast yorker and Seb managed to dig it out with his bat just as it nearly hit his feet. The ball bounced back toward Mitch, who picked it up and, just as Seb was thinking about taking a quick single, chucked the ball at Seb.
I gasped.
The ball changed into a pie and splattered Seb's face.
The crowd laughed and roared.
I cried.
I watched as Mitch said a few words to Seb, who shook his head in confusion, and they went on with the game.

I met Mitchie J at the bar down the road.
"What on earth happened out there?" I accused my bff, skulling half my cider.
Mitch blinked. "I just warned Seb that my bff liked him and if he hurt you, I'll do much worse than throw a pie."
I blinked. "Huh."
"You do like him, yeah?" Mitch asked.
"Kinda," I admitted.
Mitch nodded, drank his beer and made for the exit. "He likes you too." Then he left.
THE END.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

FANFIC #829424

"Knight to E4," I said, staring at the chess board.
Mitchie J picked up my knight and moved it to E4. "You have to actually pick it up, this isn't wizard's chess," he explained.
"Huh," I said, understanding.
We sat in silence for a few minutes until I piped up with, "Uh, Mitch? Your turn."
Mitch jumped and blinked a few times. "Shit, sorry, just distracted."
I knocked the whole chess board off the table.
Mitch jumped again.
"Are you still thinking about your old mate KP?" I asked him.
"No," Mitch scowled.
And then: "...Yes." Mitch sighed. "I haven't seen him in years. I dunno what he'll be like. Do you think he missed me? What do I say?"
"Hm," I said.
"Maybe.." I said, thinking some more. "You should..."
"THROW A PIE!" Me and Mitch said at the same time like all good bffs do.
We fell on the ground laughing.

*4 hours later*
I stood in the stands at the WACA near the race that the Perth Scorchers come out of. Mitch came over to where I was, and signed a few kids' shirts and bats.
"You got everything?" I asked him, feeling a bit nervous about our plan.
"Yeah," Mitch answered.
"Good luck," I said.
"Thanks," he said.

The game was on. Quiney had just tried to hit his 17th six and failed and was walking back to the pavilion. I watched from the sidelines as Kevin Pietersen walked to the crease, swishing his rhino bat at imaginary cricket balls as he walked.
I looked at Mitchie J, standing at the top of his mark, taking deep breaths.
KP got to the crease.
KP got ready to face the ball.
Mitchie J breathed a few more times, twirling the ball in his hand.
KP was ready.
Mitchie J started his run up.
He kept running.
Then
at the crease
he launched the ball into the perfect bouncer
and
at the last second
right before the ball smashed into KP's helmet
it turned into a pie
and splattered all over the grille
and into KP's smug little face

The crowd wowed and gasped, in absolute hysterics.
I laughed.
Mitchie J laughed.
KP was mortified.

At the end of the game, I met Mitchie J at a bar down the road from the WACA.
"You did good," I said, nursing my cider.
"He hit me for 5 sixes in one over," Mitch said, shaking his head and taking a big gulp of beer, "And our team lost."
I laughed. "That was the best part."
Mitch scowled at me and chucked a pie in my face.
THE END

Thursday, October 6, 2016

COPELAND TROPHY 2k16 PREDICTIONS

okay, as I've been doing every year, i'm gonna predict the Copeland awards, yo

The Top 10:
1st: ADAM TRELOAR
2nd: pendles
3rd: sidey
4th: grundy/reid
5th: jack crisp
6th: taylor adams
7th: nathan brown
8th: levi greenwood
9th: jordan de goey
10th: jeremy howe

Best Finals player: hahahaha i don't think this award exists any more
Best first year player: JOSH SMITH
Best VFL player: caff or ben moloney 
Leading goalkicker: ALEX FASOLO OH MY GODDDDDDDDD YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS (25 goals in 12 games yoooo)
Best clubman: alex fasolo's a clubman hahaha nah idk maybe caff??? or tooves
Desire indicators: hmmm jarryd blair

look i have no idea hahahaha but the top 3 is too easy hahaha

Monday, May 2, 2016

FRIENDS

footy sucks again :(
i mean it was going okay in the 2nd and 3rd quarters but it just sucks, you know???
so i'm here to make another list b/c yolo
also i don't mind losing to West Coast b/c they are babes and i'd bang like all of them (mostly brad shep) but i DO mind losing to carlton and daisy thomas and other horrible people.


  • 1 x Ben crocker (he's too young for me but mmmm love me anyway but no i really liked his game in the vfl, setting up goals, running and chasing hard, he did everything in the 2nd quarter of the vfl)
  • 1 x tom phillips
  • 1 x cake for tim broomhead b/c he's learning how to goal celebrate and i am proud
  • 821834 x cakes for alex fasolo
  • 234 x steele sidebottom
  • 1 x uninjured taylor adams
  • 924 x travis varcoe
  • 6 x prayers for jonathon marsh so he gets better 
  • 1 x smelly fish in marc murphy's car
  • 1 x treasure map to lead alex fasolo to the love of his life (me)
  • 1 x brent macaffer
  • 1 x james aish
  • 1 x rising star nom for darcy moore
  • 20 x books titled "how to defend for dummies" for like all of them
  • 1 x box of donuts for daisy thomas to remind him of how many goals he's kicking on saturday (and to make him fat ha ha ha)
  • 1 x dane swan
  • 1 x jamie elliott
  • 7243 x alex fasolo b/c you can never have enough sexy babes 
  • 23 x books titled "kick to alex fasolo in the forward line b/c he needs goals, who cares if he's got 20 defenders on him and he's never gonna get it (my loving)" for all of them hahaha
okay i'm done
i just want ben crocker to debut
but idec, i just want ben shhhh

Sunday, April 17, 2016

FOOTBALL SUCKS

no, it actually sucks.
so i have come here, to make a list, because we really REALLY need to beat essendon.


  • 1 x uninjured dane swan (PLEASE)
  • 1 x fit jamie elliott (PRETTY PLEASE)
  • 1 x cake for alex fasolo
  • 20 x books titled "how to deliver the ball to the forward line for dummies" mostly for tay, but also everyone
  • 20  x books titled "don't kick to alex fasolo if he's surrounded by 20 defenders because he's never gonna get it" for basically everyone
  • 1 x tim broomhead
  • 1 x ben crocker
  • 7264 x adam treloar
  • 1 x treasure map to lead alex fasolo to the love of his life (me)
  • 1 x smelly fish in brendan goddard's car
  • 1 x rising star nomination for darcy moore
  • 1 x miracle that ben reid can get through a whole year without hurting himself
  • 1 x box of donuts for joe daniher to remind him of how many goals he's kicking next monday
  • 824 x alex fasolo because again, we need way more of this sexy babe
  • 1 x brent macaffer
  • -1 x jesse white (he did a few good things but no thank you)
  • 1 x anthrax-infected moustache comb for joe daniher
  • 1 x jonathon marsh (PLEASE)
  • 6824 x travis varcoe
  • 92892842943 x steele sidebottom
  • infinite x tom langdon (and his cute man bun)
that's it.
i'll go mail this to bucks and we should be right.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

WELL FOOTY'S BACK

and footy sucks.
glad we found that out in round 1.
but alas, no! footy doesn't suck, the nab challenge series was actually pretty good, we can get that back
and that's why I'm here.
to write a list (you're welcome, bucks)
wE HAVE TO BEAT RICHMOND, THERE'S NO OTHER OPTION, WE HAVE A BETTER LIST THAN RICHMOND, TRELOAR SAID SO


  • 1 x uninjured Dane Swan lol plz
  • 15 x adam treloar
  • 1 x cake for alex fasolo 
  • 20 x books titled "how to play football for dummies" 
  • 1 x 20 cent coin to dane swan so he doesn't retire
  • 1 x hair removal cream for trent cotchin's dumb luscious hair (hey cotchin will meet his old mate caff next week hehehe)
  • 1 x ben reid
  • 7284 x alex fasolo b/c we need more of this sexy babe
  • 1 x quick-fix for travis varcoe's hamstring 
  • 1 x treasure map to lead Alex Fasolo to me
  • 1 x smelly fish in jack riewoldt's car
  • 1 x rising star nomination for darcy moore
  • 1 x tim broomhead
  • 22 x players who get their little paws on the footy
  • 22 x players who can kick straight and use the footy properly
  • 15 x players who can find a target inside the forward 50
  • 1 x muffin basket for the MRP so they don't give sidebottom any weeks
  • 1 x waiving of josh thomas' suspension 
  • 1 x jamie elliott
  • 1 x box of donuts for ty vickery (just to remind him how many goals he'll kick on friday)
  • 1 x adam oxley
okay yeah i'm done bye
*mails list to nathan buckley*