Saturday, May 25, 2013

Just.... unnghhhhh

Well, I guess it's time for another list. Ugh. (just a warning: I don't mean to insult our players, okay, I'm sorry, but they need to lift. Just a little bit.)
(Also, a few players played well, Travis and Harry O, and a few players tried really hard, definitely Krak, maybe Seedsy, Jamie was in there a bit, Pendles I guess, so idk we weren't all bad but as a team, we were pretty bad)

  • 1 x Alan Didak
  • 1 x Ben Johnson
  • 1 x education for that 14 year old girl
  • 482 x donkeys for Travis Cloke
  • 77 x book titled "How to Precise Kick to Teammate for Dummies" for every Collingwood player (keep the leftovers, Swanny tends to lose things... LIKE THE BALL, JFC)
  • 21 x book titled "If half the Swans are on Travis, surely there's someone else to kick it to" for every Collingwood player last night except Travis
  • 1 x book titled "learn to goddamn make a lead and mark and kick goals and FOR GOD'S SAKE YOU SPUD" for the Q-stick
  • 22 x book titled "learn to goddamn lead out and give a player something to kick to" for every Collingwood player (except maybe Travis, seeing as he has every man and his dog surrounding him)
  • 3 x quick-heal-fast treatments for Beamsy, Daisy and Faz
  • 1 x quick-ACL-healer for Toovey
  • 1 x Ben Sinclair
  • 20 x shots of caffeine for Collingwood players (Travis and Harry O can be excused though)
  • 20 x peptides for Collingwood players (again, Trav and Harry excused)
  • 1 x chocolate cake for the ever-improving Jordan Russell
  • 2 x 'gold star' badges for Wittsy and Travis, for helping us get off to a good start
  • 2 x 'bronze-or-maybe-it's-tin stars' for Jamie and Sammy Dwyer, for giving me something to cheer about in the 4th quarter
  • 1 x Josh Thomas
  • 5 x laxatives slipped into Michael Voss' coffee
  • 22 x extra padding for each Collingwood player next week, just in case Jonathan Brown runs into them and leaves a hole the size of a house in their body
  • 1 x Jackson Paine (no but Q-stick doesn't have to go, I just... maybe Wittsy could just, y'know, step aside maybe?)
  • 1 x Kyle Martin (sadhappyface) (love ya, Faz, and I'm sorry, it's for the best xoxox)
  • 1 x Adam Oxley (DAISY, I'M SORRY, FORGIVE ME also please stay at the Pies, okay good)
  • 1 x Jack Watts
  • 1 x Kris Pendlebury (people sitting near me at the VFL were discussing how we should've picked this kid up in the draft and how ridiculous that he's 28 or something and is a quality defender/leader and also related to that Scott kid and NO ONE WANTS HIM JFC)
  • 1 x Jye Bolton
  • 1 x Mitch Brown
  • 1 x Ben Hudson (no but Jolly can have a rest against the Lions and the Dogs, okay, and anyway, Jolly can play against Melbourne, it's all fabbity fab fab)
  • 22 x fare evading fines for the Sydney players, I mean as if they had myki AS IF.
  • 1 x Heath Shaw (no why hope it's not a serious injury ugh)
  • 1 x Tyson Goldsack
  • 1 x Lachlan Keeffe (maybe in a few weeks)
  • 1 x Dayne Beams 
  • 1 x Toovey
  • 1 x petition for that Leuenberger kid to legally change his name to Leuenburger-canihavefrieswiththat
ugh I could just list every injured player, we need them WE NEED THEM ALL.

Nah, apparently Kyle Martin is a Beams, so him and Dwyer will be fab, also Oxley is a Toovey, both Ox and Martin played superb today, yay. :D

Yeah, I give up, my lists are silly, this is why I said I'd only write lists after losses so I wouldn't have to do this anymore, sigh. :/

Saturday, May 18, 2013



You guise, it was such a good match, like just wow.
No Toovey, no Daisy, no Heath Shaw, no Beams, no Tyson Goldsack, AND YET WE STILL WON
And the best part: we got off to a good start and managed to stay ahead for basically the whole match (until the umpires gave Geelong all the free kicks but luckily that didn't faze us).


And I know all you avid readers (or lack of) are patiently waiting for another silly list, well TOO BAD b/c we don't need a list. Everything is okay. We just take that intensity from last night, all that pressure and tackling and awesomeness, and do it again next Friday. Maybe with Didak and Benny J, but yeah. Oh and Heath Shaw. Maybe get rid of Wittsy idk idk he did a super good tackle though, like yeah, it was such a team effort.

The kid has been so damn good for us, not just last night, but all the other games, and like how was he hiding down at Port Melbourne all these years. But like he's 26 and not one club wanted him for all those years? Huh.

Oh and Jamie Elliott is just amazing, the way he played last night, not only kicking 3 goals but assisting goals too.
Also Krakouer omg, like just so great.
Krak, Caff, Lukey Ball... three out of four players that had ACLs last year were playing and did a pretty damn good job.
Marley Williams, back from a shoulder reconstruction, was amazing too.

Just a superb effort.

So proud of the boys.
Also, if Jolly gets suspended for THAT, then it's ridiculous, I mean yes it may have been high, but Stokes ran into Jolly AND DIDN'T EVEN GET HURT. AT ALL.
Oh well.
It'll only be a week, at most.
Our new number 25 ruckman will be okay to play.
Also, we've got Wittsy (who played alright) and Corey Gault is improving each week in the VFL, and Grundy's due to make his VFL debut next week or the week after (also Keeffe!), so ruck is the last of our worries.

Awesome. :D

Saturday, May 11, 2013

New rule: only make lists (even Buckley's to-do list or anything) after a loss.
This is better b/c we don't need lists after a win at all, b/c a win is a win.
And wins are good, we like winning, and we're happy after a win, so why need cheering up with a silly list?
The silly lists originated for cheering us up after a loss.
So, here goes.

  • 1 x petition to change the year to an even year (just for the game next Saturday, we can beat the Cats in even years)
  • 1 x Luke Ball
  • 1 x Alan Didak
  • 8 x large chocolate cakes with chocolate icing for the VFL Match Review Panel to reverse Faz' suspension
  • 3 x large chocolate cakes with chocolate icing for Alex Fasolo
  • 88 x donkeys for Travis Cloke
  • 1 x petition for all games to be three quarters max.
  • 2,827,424 x banana peels scattered along the Princes Freeway on Friday/Saturday, all the way from Geelong to the MCG 
  • 10 x road blocks along Princes Freeway, just in case
  • 1 x Ben Johnson
  • 1 x Jye Bolton
  • 1 x Sharrod Wellingham
  • 1 x Ben Sinclair (NEED. FOR. SPEED.) (idk was that our problem, speed wasn't even our problem? Just need fresher legs, I guess)
  • 1 x book titled "How to Kick Goals for Dummies" for Travis Cloke (he can share it around though)
  • 21 x book titled "There Are More Players Who Can Mark And Kick Goals Than Me So Kick It To Them Or So Help Me: an autobiography by Travis Cloke" for everyone except Travis Cloke (it's basically just pictures based on Travis' literate abilities but it has a better storyline than Twilight and comes with a free pack of crayons)
  • 1 x book titled "How to be a Somewhat Decent Ruck and Forward and Kick Sweet Goals from 50-metres on the Boundary: autobiography by Leigh Brown" for Quinten Lynch
  • 1 x Jarrod Witts (I'd give him Leigh Brown's autobiography as well, but he already has a several copies, and hugs them in bed each night)
  • 1 x Dayne Beams
  • 4 x gold stars for Sammy Dwyer, Josh Thomas, Sidebottom, and Seedsman.
  • 1 x quick-fix-hamstrings for Marty Clarke
  • 2 x hungry vicious lions released into Jimmy Bartel's bedroom
  • 1 x turducken for Joel Selwood, except instead of the turducken, it's just a duck with a ticking timebomb inside
  • 1 x punch in the face for Chris Scott (wipe that smirk off his stupid face)
  • 1 x brain for Heath Shaw b/c fuck you that's why
  • 1 x camera for Harry O
  • 1 x AFL rules book for the umpires, just in case
  • 1 x law to make ducking your head for a free kick illegal
  • 1 x anti-wrinkle cream for Podsiadly
  • 1 x Mitch Brown
  • 1 x Lachlan Keeffe
  • 1 x petition for Tom Hawkins to officially change his name to Tom Dorkins (I want to spell it "dawkins" but I'm sure there's decent people with that last name and there's nothing worse than having the same name as a twat)
And yeah.
We have nothing to worry about, you guise.
Everything is okay.
Go Pies!

P.S. for obvious reasons, this is the last list ever until Hell freezes over. Or until Collingwood loses again, whichever comes first.
(The answer is obvious)
(You may as well start praying the temperature drops in Satan's bedroom)
(And then we'll use the sharp icicles to stab blue-and-white-striped pussycats)

Sunday, May 5, 2013


Of course we're great.

Now, excuse me while I sneak into Bucks' house, say hi to Jett and Ayce, steal a piece of last night's lasagna from their fridge, and take a photo of Bucks' to-do list hanging on the fridge (sandwiched between Jett's report card with a big A+ on it and a photo of Bucks holding a brownlow medal)

Here's what it says:

  • Make sure plane seat to Perth is next to Alex Fasolo
  • Buy a camera for Harry O (weekly steele photos, yay)
  • Tell Faz he needs to take more instagram photos or he can't get back on the team
  • Take Faz out for lunch
  • Buy two tickets for Legally Blonde The Musical
  • Work up the courage to ask Faz to come with
  • Pray 3 times a day that Jack Frost's knee is okay
  • Book hair appointment at Madd Hair
  • Search up google images of Ryan Gosling
  • Realise that Ryan Gosling is too handsome
  • Spend all week trying to get photos of Daisy's hair from different angles
  • Realise that Daisy is more handsome than Ryan Gosling
  • Retrieve photo of Ryan Gosling from the trash
  • Send a postcard with a picture of the 2010 premiers on it and title it "wish you were here (but you aren't!)" to Ross Lyon
  • Cover the aforementioned postcard in anthrax
  • Teach the players how to kick goals
  • Bake a cake for Alex Fasolo
  • Let Faz lick the spoon
  • Send the spoon to Mick Malthouse's mansion
  • Laugh because the spoon was wooden
  • Casually ring Sharrod to see how he's going
  • Bring a large sack to Perth
  • Try to remember how big Sharrod was and hope that the aforementioned large sack is big enough
  • Maybe get a bigger sack so Mitch Brown will fit in there too
  • Attempt to find the largest sack possible so Nathan Fyfe will also fit
  • Organise a lightspeed-recovery program for Fyfe for when he is brought back to Melbourne
  • Get all the injured Pies on the same lightspeed-recovery program
Phew, it must be a busy week for Bucks.
I think the list was longer, but you know these smart phone cameras, they can't capture everything. 

Yeah, bring it on, Freo, way to not go
Heave the hell out of here, ho(e)