Well, well, well.
Here we are again. Another week, another putrid loss.

Obviously, my list from last week either didn't work or didn't make it to Nathan Buckley. I'm thinking the latter because that was a pretty damn good list.

So, because lists don't work, time for a different approach. Here is a eulogy:

There once was a boy named Alex Fasolo.
He was a mischievous little kid, always annoying his older brother and sister, and stealing their food.
Alex ate and ate and ate, spending all his teenage years eating.
His bum was the biggest in his town, nearly the biggest in the world.
"I wanna be Beyonce!" little Alex squealed, grabbing a microphone and singing.
Unfortunately, his bum was a little too big, so he settled for being a footballer.

Alex's football career was all highs. Besides one Grand Final loss, he had 18 premiership medals, a couple of Brownlows, and a banana flavoured lollipop.
He also met a wonderful girl who he immediately fell in love with.
Her name was Laura.
They had 2 children together, named Jye and Mellifluous, and lived in a big mansion on a hill.
One day, when Laura was teaching Mellifluous how to ride a dinosaur, she was struck by lightning.
Alex was struck by heart-wrenching sobs and took his two children and left the country.

For days and weeks and months, Alex was in a state of depression. It took everything Jye and Mellifluous had to keep the family alive. Mellifluous went out hunting and Jye stayed at home and opened his own laundromat.
Then, one day, there was a knock on the door.
It was Delta Goodrem.
Alex immediately forgot about Laura, and married Delta straight away.
They have four children together, named Zane, Paul, Bree and Diego.
Alex and Delta and their six children moved to the moon, where houses were being built and an amusement park.
They had fun for several years, eating lots of cheese and riding the moon go-karts.
Then, tragically, the vampire roller coaster broke down with Delta trapped inside. They were able to fix this quickly, but Delta went mad from the vampires and died.

Alex was deeply hurt and vowed never to see a vampire in his life or he would kick their face in.
The next day, they moved back to Earth and settled down in Forks Washington.
He met a nice bloke named Edward who was covered in glitter.
They hit it off right away and adopted a spider monkey together. They named it George.
Alex, Edward, the six children and George were very happy.
Until George brought home a girlfriend, a rogue monkey that he'd met at the local monkeys fair. George's girlfriend killed Alex's whole family including George, and the only thing that remained in that little cottage in Forks was a banana flavoured lollipop.

The end.